The legacy archaeological media have for years tried to cover up the events of on Mid-Winter Eve 1935 when Sir Mortimer Wheeler met with proto-pseudo archaeologist and Ley Lines researcher Alfred Watkins and the legendary occultist Aleister Crowley, the, self styled, most evil man in the world, on the summit of the Iron Age hillfort of Maiden Castle in Dorset, where Wheeler was then conducting excavations on behalf of the Society of Antiquaries of London and the Dorset Field Club.
Indeed, the Special Branch reports as to precisely what transpired that night remain subject of a court case which alleges the National Archive is using clauses in the Freedom of Information Act which are normally only used to keep closed files relating to the business relationships of members of the Royal Family, in an attempt to prevent the public learning what happened on the historic hill top ninety years ago.
However, what is known is that on each successive anniversary of the Maiden Castle “event” the leaders of British archaeology have come together to speak with one voice the names of the Time Team at all four cardinal points of the compass and “Cast the Trowels” in an attempt to predict what the next year holds for archaeologists.
An AI Bot linked to a leading archaeological contracting unit present at the ceremony passed this account of the predictions for 2025 to thePipeLine.
We publish it here confident the report is at least as accurate as the average post on X-Twitter.
JANUARY
Dr Flint Dibble approaches the Joe Rogan Experience and asks for a right of reply after being accused by Graham Hancock, Jimmy Corsetti and Super Sexy Dan
[DedunkingPast] Richards of lying on the Rogan podcast.
Joe Rogan responds that he does not platform people who misrepresent the facts.
Dr Dibble says he can understand why Mr Rogan would not want to platform Hancock, Corsetti and Richards for that reason, but he would like the rematch anyway.
In Britain the Starmer Government publishes new plans to water down planning rules which campaigner fear could damage the historic and natural environment.
Environmental groups including the National Trust and the Wildlife Trusts immediately launch a public campaign against the changes landing front page stories in the
press and asking their members to sign petitions and write to their MP.
Archaeological bodies respond by saying they might sign up to a letter if someone else writes it, but their members needn’t worry as they have
it all under control.
Meanwhile, in the United States on 20 January Donald Trump is inaugurated as Acting President.
Simultaneously the world’s richest man Elon Musk becomes the Actual President.
One of the first acts of the Trump/Musk administration is to appoint Jimmy Corsetti as Under Secretary of State for Archaeology with a mission to
Make Archaeology Great Again [MAGA].
FEBRUARY
Jimmy Corsetti announces Federal Funding for the [Absolutely not racist or white supremicist] Ignatius Donnelly Atlantis Experience at the Serpent Mound Ohio.
Conspiracy theorists begin to mention rumours of an ultra secret UN body which coordinates World Archaeology from the basement of a Tex Mex restaurant just off the Washington Beltway.
The Society for American Archaeology point out that the Tex Mex restaurant in question dos not have a basement.
In a sign of a growing Special Relationship between the UK and the United States a leading British metal detecting rally company holds a rally in the
United States.
MARCH
The United States Treasury Department announces an investigation into the tax status and regulatory compliance of the leading UK metal detecting rally company which recently held a rally in the United States.
A spokesperson for the rally organiser complains to CNN that “Tax and regulation are not something we ever have to worry about in Britain.”
Elon Musk takes to his X platform to announce the legacy archaeological media are dead and that X is now the place to find all your archaeological information.
Mr Musk also announces that Super Sexy Dan Richards is to be appointed Vice President for Archaeology at X-corp, responsible for all issues regarding freedom of speech and archaeology.
APRIL
Super Sexy Dan Richards suspends the Society for American Archaeology [SAA] and a number of archaeologists from X on the grounds they exercise their freedom of speech to criticise British journalist Graham Hancock.
Responding to Elon Musk’s assertion that X/Twitter is now the place for archaeological information commercial academic publisher Elsevier announce that, in future, all its archaeological journals will be edited by AI and will be published free on open access using the X/Twitter platform and authors will be paid a royalty with a bonus for citations.
Following an agreement made during a state visit to Turkiye by President Trump Jimmy Corsetti is made Field Director of the Gobekli Tepe excavations.
Mr Corsetti says his first task is to take on “Big Archaeology” blockers and excavate the iconic prehistoric site as quickly as possible.
MAY
Elsevier admit that the bit about their archaeological journals being published for free on open Access using X/Twitter was actually an April Fools day joke.
An AI spokesbot for the multi million dollar company apologises for any confusion, but adds, “the bit about publishing all our journals free on open access really should have given the game away. That had to be a joke. And as for paying our authors, well…”
Attempting to fulfil his pledge to speed up the excavations at Gobekli Tepe Jimmy Corsetti causes a nationwide shortage in Turkiye of backhoe loaders and 360 degree tracked excavators.
JUNE
Artist Mathew Rosier gets the go ahead to build the Luton Henge community art project at Marsh Farm, close to Luton’s pre-historic earth work, Waulud’s
Bank.
National Highways immediately announce a £1.2 billion project to build a dual carriage way to bypass the site, and a tunnel to remove the new road from line of sight of the new attraction.
A spokesperson for Highways England says,
“It is by far the greenest solution to providing access to the henge site because visitors will now have to pay to park up at the visitor centre if they want to see it which will ensure the project is sustainable.. Besides, we had a couple of spare tunnelling machines cluttering up the yard.”
Following an intervention by Turkiye’s property developers whose projects have ground to a halt due to a shortage of heavy excavation machinery, Jimmy Corsetti stands
down as Field Director of the Gobekli Tepe excavations.
Mr Corsetti takes to the X platform to complain his rapid exit from his role at Gobekli Tepe is the result of a conspiracy.
The Summer Solstice: An academic paper is published putting forward a new theory about the origin and meaning of Stonehenge which gets picked up by the BBC
and other media outlets. [That’s not a prediction it happens every year: Ed]
JULY
GB News reports that a major infrastructure project is being held up by the “woke” requirements for a Bat Tunnel, a Newt Pond and an Archaeologists House
all in all costing over one million pounds.
The Chartered Institute for Archaeologists issues a press release explaining that a site hut is actually a crucial piece of excavation infrastructure and besides,
a second hand portacabin which leaks is not nearly that expensive,
President Musk announces that his Department of Government Efficiency [DOGE] has decided to defund all federally supported archaeological activity in the United States.
Jimmy Corsetti takes to X to denounce the move and claims it is part of a conspiracy on the part of “Big Archaeology” to make the Trump/Musk administration appear like an ignorant and culturally illiterate oligarchy which knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
However, Mr Corsetti changes his mind after he appears on the Joe Rogan Experience where the former UFC fighter announces he is to take over funding of
the [Absolutely not racist or white supremacist] Ignatius Donnelly Atlantis Serpent Mound Experience, with Graham Hancock as development consultant.
AUGUST
After last year’s approval for a very small spa pool in Lincoln established the principle that nationally significant archaeological areas could be the subject of intrusive and destructive development, Historic England says it has no opinion after a developer submits an application to build an underground car park in the Sycamore Gap beneath the Hadrian’s Wall World Heritage Site to accommodate visitors to the regrowing tree.
NASA issues a contract for all archaeological activity on Mars to Elon Musk’s Space X.
President Trump attempts to hire renowned archaeologist Captain Jean Luc Picard as Archaeological Director of the Mars Project.
Jimmy Corsetti alleges that the fact the President is unable to make the appointment is down to a conspiracy among “Deep State” wreckers at Starfleet.
SEPTEMBER
The Chartered Institute for Archaeologists [CIfA] issues its long awaited report into pay and conditions across related industry sectors.
CIfA stresses to its members that the report is purely for fun and the data is absolutely not to be used in negotiating improved pay and conditions for archaeologists, no sirree, absolutely not!
Elon Musk announces a deal to buy the entire physical archive of academic publishers journals of archaeological record and place them on the X platform in digital form.
Jimmy Corsetti announces that the [Absolutely not racist or white supremacist] Ignatius Donnelly Atlantis Serpent Mound Experience will include a light hearted exhibit where former National Parks Service archaeologists, fired by Elon Musk’s DOGE, will try to replicate the Great Pyramid of Giza using copper chisels and granite. To make the exercise even more authentic for visitors the archaeologists will be paid like the Egyptian workers in beer and onions.
OCTOBER
Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency [DOGE] withdraws Federal support for beer and onions.
In the UK, ahead of the Government’s Autumn financial statement, developers place stories in the press that archaeological contractors operating on profit margins of 3%
is not sustainable for the industry.
It is far too much.
As a result the Federation of Archaeological Managers and Employers [FAME] enters talks regarding a pay to dig scheme whereby archaeologists will
pay developers to fulfil planning conditions.
The opening ceremony at the [Absolutely not racist or white supremacist] Ignatius Donnelly Atlantis Experience at the Serpent Mound Ohio takes place.
Graham Hancock is guest of honour and the ribbon is set to be cut by Keanu Reeves using the Ancient Egyptian methods of resonant sound and thought control.
NOVEMBER
The audience at the opening ceremony at the [Absolutely not racist or white supremicist] Ignatious Donnelly Atlantis Experience at the Serpant Mound Ohio is still waiting for
Keanu Reeves to cut the ribbon using the Ancient Egyptian methods of resonent sound and thought control.
Netflix premieres season three of Graham Hancock’s Ancient Apocalypse.
Having tried writing a strongly worded letter in response to season one and having appeared on the Joe Rogan Experience in the run up to season two,
archaeologists wonder what the f*ck to do next?
Elon Musk’s project to digitise the entire archive of academic archaeology is completed and goes live on the X platform in between the adverts for dodgy drop
shopping outlets and Bit Coin scams.
No longer needed, the hard copies of the archive are used as ballast in the test launch of the latest Space-X Falcon Heavy rocket.
With Donald Trump and President Musk watching, the rocket fails to reach orbit and burns up on re-entry destroying the archive..
DECEMBER
The audience at the opening ceremony at the [Absolutely not racist or white supremacist] Ignatius Donnelly Atlantis Experience at the Serpent Mound Ohio enters its second
full month of waiting for Keanu Reeves to cut the ribbon to inaugurate the site using the Ancient Egyptian methods of resonant sound and thought control.
The Winter Solstice: An academic paper is published putting forward a new theory about the origin and meaning of Stonehenge which gets picked up by the BBC
and other media outlets. [See my note on the Summer Solstice: Ed]
The Council for British Archaeology appoints Joe Rogan as its new Head of Communications.
Jimmy Corsetti denounces the CBA’s appointment as a conspiracy and complains that Rogan has surrendered to “BIG ARCHAEOLOGY”.
The BBC announces that to bring balance to coverage of archaeology, the new series of Dig For Britain will see Professor Alice Roberts joined as co-presenters by Jimmy Corsetti and “Super Sexy” Dan Richards.
During a late night Ketamine binge on New Years Eve, upset that users are still referring to the X platform as Twitter, Elon Musk takes down the social media site and erases its entire digital presence including its archaeological archive.
Archaeology as we know it ceases to exist.
However, in a faint sign of hope for the New Year rumours reach the CBA that a few charred pages of an article in British Archaeology supporting the A303 Stonehenge tunnel have fallen to earth just outside Melton Mowbray and have been passed to Mike Pitts for safe keeping.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Lead Image: Didrachm Depicting the God Janus [COO via the Chicago Institute of Art]
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